My face is in the dirt, my feet are bleeding from tripping on stones and falling on the gravel. I feel nothing but fear and exhaustion. I have been running back to Jesus and the disciples in the garden. Earlier in the evening, I kissed and betrayed my lord and rabbi. How did my soul get so misguided? He has been my closest companion. I spent years traveling, watching what Jesus tried to teach us, and I gave up everything to follow him perfectly. His influence, power, and wisdom were mesmerizing.
Hours ago, I left the supper and went to the Roman authorities who were looking to arrest Jesus. I accepted a bribe of 30 pieces of silver. How could I have thought my selfish motivations would lead to something good for me? I have exchanged the face of my divine teacher for the coins that carry the face of Cesar. Sitting on the ground, I suddenly remember getting miffed about another incident with money. A street woman bought expensive perfume with the money that belonged to our group’s proceeds. What was the harm in that?
My heart is in turmoil, wondering why I have not learned what Jesus tried to teach us.
He was right in saying, “Any betrayer would be better if he had never been born”. I have made an unforgivable mistake, and in doing so, I have no future. I know I have crushed the heart of my teacher with my treacherous behavior.
I keep running and approach Jesus, who is on a hillside, deep in prayer. I hide. He and God are one voice, making the sounds of love and forgiveness. Who else could he go to, when we have all acted so horrendously? Bickering over who is better, best, or right at the table or in heaven.
My motivations for following Jesus have been tainted with pride, envy, and convenience. Yet this Master has held each of us, carried all our foolish and ignorant intentions with love and respect. I see now that Jesus tried to teach us He is God incarnate, the one who knows the heart and mind of humanity and what it is capable of.
Jesus stands up and goes over to the disciples a little way off. He says to them,“Are you still sleeping and resting? It is enough! The hour has come; behold, the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going. My betrayer is at hand. He says these words, and my blood runs down into the earth through my veins. He is being taken away, and I realize I have crushed the heart of Jesus, who tried to teach us with my treacherous behavior.
I am left alone with my free will and what it has brought me. I have taken the life of our teacher and taken him from the disciples and humanity. He might have lived another 20 years to teach us more had I not intervened with a stupid idea to try to save him. I am a disgrace.
I think about the cup he shared, saying, “Take this in remembrance of me”. I cannot imagine living another day without him, my teacher and friend. Christ’s flesh contains all of humankind and grieves even today for what we have done to creation and one another. Not only was He sacrificed, but our father’s creation is being diminished because of our willfulness and freedom to do as we please, thinking there are no consequences.