Stay on Top of Your Own HEAP
Everyone has a Heap. We cherish our beliefs, agendas, stories and creations.Our heap gets bigger each day with more choices and more history defend. Living feels complicated and often confusing, filled by pushing and pulling so many options. There seems to be constant pressure to accommodate more electronics, more travel, more experiences, what I want and what others want; it is exhausting. I have spent my life trying to keep my heap simple, avoiding what is complicated or extra as often as possible. Lately age is helping me see new angles in my heap, the part which includes me and my identity verses God, THE identity. To be honest the “I” and the identity of God are more mixed up than ever, not an easy place to be but altogether interesting as I feel them collapsing.
It takes courage to trust in your own truth.
Are we doing it or is IT doing us? There is a divine energy all around us called the pulse of life. To notice it takes infinite patience, time and waiting. My heap includes waiting, trying to stay focused long enough to be lead. Herein lies part of the problem, wanting to “lead”. The other day I noticed something in my marriage so subtle I’ve missed it for 40 years. I think i am correct and my husband is wrong. The dynamic does not get intense very often however what i noticed is he thinks he is right constantly but never stops for a moment to inflict on me the part that says, “you are wrong”. Now this does not sound like a great revelation at first but what i noticed was, I am right does not imply you are wrong, it just means you are right for you, and I am correct for me. The grave difference between us is, because he thinks or believes he is correct he give no more thought to any of the rest leaving him free in the mind to go about his business. Perhaps this is a “Man” thing, however i still want to suggest there is great peace to be found in “I am correct and then i have to go on with my life, as everyone does.”
To be “un”attached to my own feelings and those of others I need to master no thought, no judgement and no future. Over thinking is the devils delight; it is mental masturbation at its very best. New minds recognize there is only flow and the practice of wanting nothing. Letting go is simple to understand but hard to do. It takes enough courage to wait for the unknown next minute in the next breath, why get bogged down in I was right! Who cares, you do that is the audience and the tremendous waste of energy.
The Pain of Failure.
We are all abandoned, isolated and scared of being invisible and forgotten at some point on the journey. Especially with age and wisdom, they shock us, we realize our efforts to control or conquer have been useless.We wake up in the middle of the night without a clue who we are anymore. We tend to accept through a kind of resignation that we will naturally be abandoned, isolated and scared and who or what will we cling to?
Healthy depression and uselessness are wake up calls from the divine; they remind our ego and created self of our haughty arrogance thinking, the heap was mine!. The awareness forces us to view everything again from another angle. We sit neatly on our heap of illusions and unfulfilled expectations. Give up or give in, we are not alone, it is happening to everyone, so quietly we do not see it. Go up in an airplane or look at the starts and wonder about eternity, about meaning, about time and space.There is no real failure there. New perspectives are found in rest, meditation, breathing, stillness, walking and seeing: we come to realize it is all good.